Saint Matthew’s Churches

I received a letter in the mail today. I knew that it was special right away.

A very old church? Is loaning me something? Or not me specifically, but someone connected with my home? And they’re giving out blessings? Tell me more.

Dear… Someone Connected with This Address,

Yes, that’s me, but only my friends call me that.

People just like you are writing to this 60-year-old Church,

Apparently very old means 60.

…telling us of all types of blessings since this Church started praying with them. They are receiving divine help in the form of answered prayer. Some are seeing loved ones saved, and many of them are receiving spiritual, physical, and financial blessings of all types…

Sigh. Yeah, I get it. Jesus wants to give me money, and all he needs is some money. But what was that about a loan?

Wait what? There’s a “Prayer Rug Of Faith” in this envelope?

Oh my god it’s a fold-out paper “rug”! Stay classy, Saint Matthew’s Churches.

Look into Jesus’ Eyes you will see they are closed.

You are doing writing wrong.

But as you continue to look you will see his eyes opening and looking back into your eyes.

Yeah. I see it. It’s a miracle. So now what?

Uh huh. Let’s have a look as what Wikipedia has to say about this nonsense:

St. Matthew’s Churches, formally St. Matthew Publishing Inc., is an evangelical “Christian ministry”. It is primarily a mail-based “ministry” with an address in Tulsa, Oklahoma, with churches in New York and Houston.In 1999 St. Matthew Publishing Inc. reported $26.8 million in revenue. In 2007, it reportedly earned $6 million a month.

The ministry has been accused of preying on the very low income and the elderly by using census records to target their mailings.

According to the Trinity Foundation, an evangelical watchdog group, the physical churches are only associated with the mail-based ministry as a cover that allows the lucrative operation to retain tax-exempt church status.

I thought so. This requires a response.

Dear… Someone Connected with This Address,

Your “loan” of enclosed “prayer rug” will be unnecessary. I don’t pray, and I never liked Magic Eye. I wouldn’t want to deprive any other families of a good paper rug to kneel on, so here it is.

No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. How convenient.